Part II of my blog post "Perception About Women" continues below. If you missed Part 1, you can find it HERE.
Thou
Art The Heir
The other day, I was speaking to a
yoga trainee who looked very depressed. With a slight push, she opened up. She
has a ten year old son and a five year old daughter. She said how she struggles very hard to raise
both her kids by giving equal and fair treatment, which is spoilt very often by
her husband and in-laws who treat their boy as God and downplay the
achievements of the little girl. The problem has gone so much into the boy’s
head that he has started to speak the same language, “I am a man and this is
how I must behave. You are a girl, you don’t know anything. You keep quiet.” We
fail to recognize that these biases form as early as in childhood. Being part
of an ecosystem, it becomes almost impossible to change the mindsets of children
in their growing up years.
Boys
Are Heroes and Girls Are Zeroes
I drop my girl to school every day.
As part of regular routine, we take a route through one of her best friend
Abhi’s house. One morning, I met Abhi and his mom, greeted them and started to
walk towards school. In the meantime, my girl and Abhi were speaking about some
game. He suddenly shouted, “Boys are heroes and Girls are zeroes”. I was
shocked! I didn’t know how to respond while his mom took pride in what he said.
This is a challenge. My girl also told me how boys and girls form separate
groups at school and constantly compare themselves in sports and studies. Many
studies have revealed that boys are good at sports and girls are good at
studies in general. This doesn’t mean the other way round – girls are pathetic
in sports and boys are hopeless in studies. We, as parents get it all wrong
while raising little kids, most of the time!
The
Beauty about Back Benchers
Here is another story. This is about
two 35 year old boys who met at an international airport after 5 long years.
They started to talk about their school. The first topic that they discuss
about is how they enjoyed life as back benchers. The immediate next topic is about
that girl who topped the class – “She was an encyclopedia. God knows what she
is doing right now” and the conversation about this class topper continues for next
20 minutes. I was surprised that these two grown up adults (both in well
respected professions) didn’t have anything meaningful in life to talk about
other than that girl who topped the class. Is it their failure of not topping
the class that bugged them for years or that they thought they are more
successful as back benchers? Whatever the answer, who cares?
Early
Impressions & Growing Up Years
During one of my vacations, I stayed
in my aunt’s house in their neighbourhood where there lived a family with two
kids. Ramesh is a 15 year old teenager and his sister Radha is 9 years old. I
saw Radha carrying a big pot of water to her home while her mom yelled at
Ramesh, “Why don’t you help the little girl carry that pot to the kitchen?” to
which he replied, “Haha, what are you talking? It’s her job, not mine”. It left
me wondering. Forget about gender bias, what has happened to even niceties like
compassion, kindness and empathy, I wondered.
Two things strike about Ramesh:
1. Ramesh was
born to a father Ram who is heavily dominant with his wife Sita, so much that
if his dad sat in the balcony and asked for a glass of water, his wife has to
bring it in a matter of seconds. Sita is running most of the times when her
husband is home. Ramesh has grown up constantly watching this relationship and
thinks this is the right way to treat woman.
2. Ramesh is
surrounded by an eco -system where he is given more freedom compared to Radha.
He gets to play cricket every day, can come late, go on trips with his friends,
sent to an english medium school and even got to drive a bike with his name
embossed on it. Radha has to struggle to ask for clothes for her birthday even.
She gets reprimanded and is ordered to wear old clothes – just because she
doesn’t move around a lot outside of her home.
Gender
Stereotypes
The system in which these kids live
has an influence on them. This influence is inclined more towards facilitating
males and exploiting females. No wonder why Ramesh is the way he is.
If you look at how boys and girls
are brought up, the upbringing of a boy is mostly with the dad who takes him to
different places, shows cool stuff, made him meet people, allows him to help at
work and sow seeds for great dreams.
On the contrary, girl’s upbringing
surrounds around her mother’s life. She goes around, plays girlie games, helps
her mom in household work while her mom
lectures to her about humanity, kindness, compassion, love, patience and
tolerance. The moment she hits puberty, things change. She is restricted from
going alone or in the dark, she is excluded from playing a few games or doing a
few things, she is no longer a child, she is a young woman and she has to
behave like a woman – a well behaved woman at that! Sometimes, this is
attributed to protectiveness.
Image Credits : Google |
Framing
People need to be treated fairly
irrespective of what’s between their legs. Every time someone makes noise about women
being unequal, I told myself, “Oh No, Not Again”. Maura Pennington sums it up
well in this Forbes
article, “Women need the support of other women in the way that all humans
need the support of peers. What they do not need is condescension.
Obsessing over inequality eventually convinces both sides that we are somehow
unequal. It opens up discussion of all the ways we are different, all the
ways women cannot be like men and vice versa. The end result of such talk
of segregation is that women are made to look weaker. We are made to seem
in need of assistance, that we cannot survive without federal laws or
university regulations mandating our parity with men.”
Victoria Pynchon, once received an email in response to one of her
articles on Gender Bias which read, “I have never seen a dead woman on a
battlefield”. To this, she responds, “Quite correct. When we frame the war dead
and wounded as only those engaged in armed conflict on the battlefield, women
and children are eliminated entirely, not only from the photographs and news
reporting, but also from history and, more importantly, from peace conferences.
The frame erases the
experience of the people who aren’t seen by the
reporters because they’ve framed “war” as an activity in which only soldiers
fight and are injured.”
Framing
about women without quoting the exact context has played another key role in
downplaying women’s contributions for ages. Additionally, the humility and
shyness of those umpteen women who hide their successes behind their male
family members ensure that many women don’t see the light of the day.
Hardwired
Perception
I was sitting in Linda Rising’s
workshop last year where she took me through a journey of emotions with respect
to how women and men perceive people around them. With tears rolling down my
eyes, I asked her, “Why is it this way? Why should people of different gender
or even same gender be treated differently for similar accomplishments or failures?”
She looked at me with ultimate brutality which is very unusual for her age (she
is 71), “People’s minds have been hard-wired this way for generations. It’s
hard to change it at one go.” She shrugged her shoulders, “This is how the
world is. You need to accept it.”
If the ecosystem [culture, familial
backgrounds and upbringing] we live in doesn’t help us with changing wrong
perceptions and become conscious of our biases, we’ll end up becoming the animals our
ancestors once were!
Regards,
Pari
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